The Glorious Mystery of Marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33)
As we unpack the passage from Ephesians 5, I approach the text with a measure of trepidation for two reasons. The first has to do with the connotation that accompanies the word submission. Often the first word that comes to mind when submission is mentioned is oppression. It paints the picture of grave injustice done to dominate others and taking away their freedom. Even for Christians our understanding of submission can often lean on the oppressive side.
I have a friend whose parents were full time ministry workers. Both were faithful servants of the Lord and well respected. He shared that growing up he remembered whenever his dad comes home from ministry, he expects his wife to bring him his slippers and newspaper. While the dad was not abusive nor intentionally oppressive but his understanding and expectation of his wife is not what Paul speaks of in Ephesians when he tells the wives to submit to their husband.
The second challenge has to do with the abuse of this biblical exhortation both by godly men and evil tyrants.
In the early days of my pastoral ministry, I know of a wife who is so dependent upon her husband because he is able to provide her with comfortable lifestyle, so much so that she even tolerated his infidelity during the course of their marriage. This is an example of a sinful husband abandoning his role as husband and perverting the truth by taking advantage of the vulnerability of his wife and making her submit to him.
When you add this to inequality and the unfair treatment of women in many societies over the centuries, it is no surprise that the call to submit is often seen in negative light and often seen as men’s scheme in trying to control women.
Friends, it is a fact that the truths of this text have been perverted and abused by disordered and sinful men, it is a fact that religious men have used these Bible verses to make their wives submit to them. Therefore, there is a need for us to return to the Bible for a clear understanding of the proper household code for the Christian family and how it can serve as a model for the Church.
A Spirit-filled marriage displays the relationship between Christ and His Church.
Our sermon text is taken from Ephesians 5:22-33. The big idea for our sermon this morning is: A Spirit-filled marriage displays the relationship between Christ and His Church.
We will be exploring three sections from the text:
Submit as to the Lord (Eph 5:22-24)
Love as the Lord loved (Eph 5:25-32)
A relationship marked by love and respect (Eph 5:33)
Last Sunday we heard from Pastor Eugene how God made men and women equal and different. Both man and woman were created in the image of God meaning we bear God’s image. What this implies is man and woman are equal in dignity and value in God’s sight.
Although man and woman are equal we are not identical. God designed man and woman to be different in their roles, equal partners with different role to play. Together they work for the glory of God.
We also learnt that marriage is God’s good design.
Marriage was instituted by God at creation and the union between man and woman was described as one flesh. This depth of intimacy speaks of a unity that is closer than any bond of unity and the only apt description is the one flesh union where two lives merge and a lifelong commitment forge. Together, the man and the woman reflect and represent the One in whose image they are made.
This union was corrupted by sin. The woman instead of submitting to the headship of their husbands will try to undermine or usurp the headship of the husband. The husbands because of sin has become either proud and domineering or passive and absent.
However, we are not without hope. God gave the promise in Genesis 3 that through the promised offspring of the woman, God will send forth the perfect Man, His only Son to save sinners like us. For we are all sinners condemned for all eternity but God in His love sent forth His Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. By believing in Jesus and submitting to Him as our Lord, we will be saved.
The passage we are going to unpack shows us how in Jesus we can reclaim our God given role for man and woman, how man and woman can once again be equal and different. We will see that in Christ woman can find the freedom to submit to their husbands and husbands, can in Christ, love their wives. Together in Christ the relationship between the husband and wife, will display the relationship between Christ and His Church for the glory of God.
As we unpack the passage let us be mindful of the context. The second half of Ephesians from chapters 4-6 have very much to with the Christian life. Our text this morning is an expansion of Paul’s instruction for his readers to be filled with the Spirit and how it flows out of the mutual submission in 5:21. Meaning how we submit to one another is an outward expression of a life filled with the Spirit.
In Ephesians 5:21, Paul instructs his readers to submit to one another and the basis for that submission is out of reverence for Christ, meaning it is a submission under the Lordship of Christ, we submit out of our allegiance to Christ.
In the following passage from Ephesians 5:22-6:9, Paul provided his readers with examples of how to submit to one another, beginning with husband and wife, followed by children and parents and he conclude with slaves to their masters.
With this context in mind let us look at our passage together beginning with the role of the wife in Ephesians 5:23-24.
Submit as to the Lord (Eph 5:22-24)
Wives submit to your husbands.
Men what picture do you have in mind when you hear these words. Husbands how is this portrayed in your marriage? Wives how have you lived in obedience to this command? To those who are not married what picture do you have in your mind?
Friends whatever picture you have mind, how this is being played out in your marriage, it must stand the scrutiny of Scripture, we must take our worldview glasses and replace it with a pair of biblical glasses.
As we unpack the text there are several things to consider.
First consider the basis for the submission.
When Paul instructs the wives to submit to their husbands, the key point is to submit as she would submit to the Lord.
What is the basis of our submission to the Lord? The gospel, the word of God in Romans 5:8 informs us, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”.
We submit because He first loved us. We submit because our lives have been transformed by the gospel.
We submit because He first loved us. We submit because our lives have been transformed by the gospel. We submit because we are freed from the bondage of sin and have been given the freedom to submit to Christ. Wives when you submit to your husbands, it is on the basis of your submission to Christ. You submit because you love Jesus.
What it also must imply is your first allegiance is to Jesus Christ, and therefore Paul does not in any way expect a wife to submit to her husband in anything that violates Scripture’s commands. A husband’s headship and authority is not his own. It is given to him by God, and it is legitimate only when he exercises it in line with God’s commandments as revealed in Scripture. If a husband pushes his wife to disobey Scripture, she should respectfully refuse and remind her husband that she must obey God, not men
Why should the wife submit to the husband? The husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23). I believe Paul has creation in mind when he wrote this because later in the passage he quoted from Genesis. When God created humankind, the order of His creation was intentional. He created Adam first, He gave the charge to Adam before Eve was formed. Adam was given the authority to name the animals and the command to not eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Eve was formed out of the ribs of Adam and was called to be his helper. Adam gave Eve her name. This is all part of God’s plan. It was intentional and not random. Man is given the responsibility to lead.
However, the wife’s submission to her husband does not imply in any way that she is inferior to him. This is a matter of role, not nature. Paul is appealing to the wife to submit herself to the authority God has ordained.
So what does the submission of the wives to their husbands look like?
Our answers are often inevitably shaped by the culture we live in even as Christians. For some it could be the image of a wife as full time homemaker, taking care of the children and making the house spic and span and making sure meals are provided when the husbands come home from work. For some the equality picture is very prominent, both husbands and wives share equal responsibilities. And still for others the wives are the one leading because she is more capable than the husband or the husband have abandon his responsibility to lead. Often the lines are blurred.
So what should be the right picture?
To my dear sisters in Christ who are married, let your submission to your husband be shaped by your submission to Christ. It begins with you surrendering your all to Jesus. Let that surrendered heart to Jesus shaped your attitude and motive. Know that the man that God has called you to submit is not perfect because of sin. He can be selfish in his ways, he can be unloving and he may neglect his role and he is very capable of being lazy. But remember your role as helper is given by God, even before the fall. God always intended for the man to have a helper, man on his own is inadequate and incomplete, he needs a helper, this is how God intended things to be.
There will be times you may feel resentful because you are far more capable than your husband. There may be times when you feel unfair because you seem to be the one doing all the work. I appeal to the wives during these situations to be patient with us and help us men to wake up our idea. Speak truth into our lives with love. When we fail, do not allow bitterness and anger to consume you but be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving as God in Christ has forgiven you. What I am asking for you to do is show us Christ. In your anger and frustrations don’t allow corrupting talk to come out of your mouth but speak appropriate words that is good for building up. My dear sisters, I know this is a tall order but we need you to help us fulfil our God-given role as husbands, we need you to patiently guide us to play our role.
Let me be honest, I do not have the perfect picture of how submission should look like. It is often different from family to family but to do it right we must surrender to Jesus.
Let me add one more word from my heart. In your submission, and exhibiting love and kindness, it does not mean therefore you must tolerate abuses, be it verbal, mental or physical, that is not submission. Seek help and know that any husband who abuses his wife must be taken to task.
Love as the Lord Loved (Eph 5:25-32)
What about the husband?
If husbands are called to be the head of the family, what kind of rule does Paul expect the husband to carry out? Although not explicit from the text but it is implicit. This is because how that rule must look like has been shown, it has been demonstrated by Christ. Christ in ruling over the Church has the best interest of the Church at heart. He exercises His headship not as a tyrant but as a Saviour. It is a headship that is expressed in love and self-sacrifice. Paul in Ephesians 5:1-2 charge his readers, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
The husband headship over his wife must be modelled after the headship of Christ over His church.
What does it mean? What does it look like?
Brothers listen as the head of the family, you are not the CEO, you are not the boss. Our wives are not our servants they are our partner given to help us. God gave us wives not to serve us but to help us fulfil our role. Our wives are not weak inferior beings. God made woman to be the helper man because man by himself is inadequate to bear the image of God, man and woman are created in God’s image, it was never man in the image of God and woman in the image of man. In the garden man needed a helper and there was none suitable and woman was created to be man’s helper to carry out the responsibility we are given to rule over His creation. How does this play out in our everyday life?
Let us unpack the next section of our passage to find out.
Wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. What about the husbands? Paul has a lot more to say to the husbands in Ephesians 5:25-32. What is that responsibility? Husbands what are we called to do?
Husbands, love your wives.
Husbands how have we loved our wives?
I work hard to provide my wife with a comfortable life. Good for you. You have more to do.
I protect my wife from the creepy crawlies — keep it up but it is much more than that.
I am sensitive to my wife’s needs and I don’t take her for granted? Well done. This is not all that you must do.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.
What does it mean? As believers there is an expectation for us to love one another, we are to model our love after Jesus. Wives are also to love their husbands. However, Paul’s focus is on the husband. Husbands how are we to truly love our wives?
To love her as Christ loves the Church. How?
Our marriage is not a contract where both parties have to agree on the role and responsibility. In marriage we enter into a promise and a commitment.
The first key word for us is sacrifice. We do not look for equitability. Our marriage is not a contract where both parties have to agree on the role and responsibility. In marriage we enter into a promise and a commitment. We promise to love and protect our wives, we made a commitment to keep our promise till death do we part. Often times it involves sacrifice. What that means is when our marriage does not work out the way we envision, we press on. Even though if the woman we marry have change for the worst, we are still committed to the role of loving her. If physical ailments have taken over her and she can no longer play her role as a wife, we are still committed to loving her.
I know of a husband whose wife was diagnose with a serious form of Parkinson’s that often paralyses her. Because of the wife’s condition, I had to go to their house to conduct membership class. And there were times when I was there less than 10 minutes and I had to stop the class when her paralysis hits her. The husband by God’s grace was able to retire early and he spent most of his time taking care of his wife. That was more than 10 years ago and as far I know he is still committed to caring for his wife.
To love our wife as Christ loved the Church is a call to be prepared to sacrifice our life for our wives, Often it means more than just taking a bullet for her or literally dying for her. Often it means giving up on the things that we love, giving up on the dreams that we harbour.
I knew of a husband who dream of starting his own dog business. He had planned a dog party to launch his business and unfortunately his father in law pass away. Instead of postponing his launch, he decided to go ahead with it and he even made his wife prepare the food for the party while she was grieving the loss of her father. Man that is not sacrifice, that is being selfish.
But brothers what is expected of us husbands involve more than sacrifice for her physical and emotional needs etc. Listen to what Paul wrote. “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Eph 5:26-27) What is the reason for Christ loving the Church?
The goal of the husband for his wife must be the same as the goal Jesus has for His Church.
What is that?
Three main points to note: sanctify, present her to Jesus and to make her holy and blameless.
What does each of these key tasks means?
To sanctify her is the picture of setting her apart for the service of Jesus. It is the practical expression of holiness, seen in the church in the ways outlined from Ephesians 4.
Among the characteristics listed are humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
How is the husband to do that? By washing her with the word of God. This is what Paul wrote, “having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word”.
The original readers would have in mind their own spiritual journey. A journey that began when they heard the Word of truth, the gospel and came to faith in Christ. As they came under the preaching of the gospel, they repented, believed and were cleansed. There is a rich imagery here found in Ezekiel 16:8-14. In this passage we see the imagery of the covenant relationship between God and his people, frequently pictured as a marriage, and included in the passage is God’s cleansing of his bride.
How can this look like in our daily life? We have the word of God, use it. Read the Bible together with your wives. Let the word of God shaped our relationship with God and with one another. Currently Carine and I have started a reading program to complete the reading of the Bible in one year by reading 4 chapters inclusive a chapter form the psalms and we pray together. We have not always been successful; sometimes sleep gets the better but we will persevere on. It is not a humongous task, we usually can complete our reading of the four chapter within 20 minutes on average.
Friends we can only wash our wives with the word when we use the word, when we read the word, when we study the word, when we speak truths into one another’s life with the word. But it is not just reading the word is it? The truth must be displayed in our lives. The transforming power of the gospel must shape how we relate to one another and to others, how we think and how we express ourselves must be shaped by the word of God.
The end goal is” to present her to himself and to make her holy and blameless.”
The goal of Jesus for the church, the people He loves, is that we would be rescued and perfected such that one day we will be without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Again, we need to remind ourselves of the wonderful hymn of praise from the beginning of the letter. God chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless [and loving] (Eph 1:4). This is God’s goal for the church, achieved through the Lord Jesus Christ. This is what Jesus wants for His people and what He is doing for his people.
As husband this is what we are charged to do. This is a high calling but not an impossible calling. In Christ we can and we must.
Husband, listen, this is a remarkably high calling. The total concern for the well-being and the future perfection of the church is the model for our Christian marriage. It is both self-sacrificial (a husband should give himself up for his wife) and self-denying (a husband should put the total well-being and spiritual perfection of his wife above his own desires). This is far different from the notion of headship that world has in mind.
Our love for our wives must find motivation from the love Christ has for His church.
At the same time, our love of our wives must also be motivated by our love for ourselves (Eph 5:31-32). Paul is not suggesting to his readers that they must be lovers of self, he is not advocating an egotistical love, it is in line with other biblical injunctions such as the command, “to love your neighbour as yourself”.
Beyond this injunction I believe Paul is talking of an even deeper mystery here and when he exhorts the husband to love their wives as their own bodies, I believe he has in mind Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” In marriage we are talking about a union between a man and a woman, and together they become one flesh, it is a deep mystery because we cannot fully comprehend it but when Paul exhorts the husband to love the wives as their own bodies, it does make all the sense in the world because we are one and it does not make sense for us to love our wives any less.
And that is not all, Paul have not deviated from his call for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church because at the end of the verse he says, “just as Christ does the Church” and in Ephesians 5:30 he says, “because we are members of His body.”
So at the back of Paul’s mind is still very much the love of Christ and the union of Christ and the Church.
What Paul is calling the husband to do is to follow the example of Christ who loves the Church His body with tender loving care, nurturing and helping the Church to grow, constantly providing for its nourishment and growth.
What Paul is calling the husband to do is to follow the example of Christ who loves the Church His body with tender loving care, nurturing and helping the Church to grow, constantly providing for its nourishment and growth. In like manner that is the responsibility of the husband.
Friends, listen, in marriage self-care is manifest in wife-care. As we husband seek to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we will gain more self-worth and value than the rather shallower and self-centred versions of love offered by the world.
How does that look like?
Guys, being called to be head of our household, is not a call to be a five-star general, don’t think we got it right when we think of our wives as four star generals.
No that is not the picture of the headship of husband leading his family. No, rather it is walking side by side with our wives as we lead the family. Taking the lead does not mean that we have to be the one to handle all the “manly” task. Like changing the car tires, changing the light bulb, handling the accounts of the family etc. You can do all this but do not let your ego be bruised when your wife can do a better job.
Brothers, sometimes self-sacrifice could mean helping our wives if they are homemakers to wash the dishes, to shower the kids even after a tiring day at work, being mindful that our wives are just as tired if not even more tired than us. Taking the lead does mean taking the initiative to read the Bible together, the initiative to teach our children. Let us be mindful of the little things in life and be sensitive to the needs of our wives.
The love we are to show is tender love. Tender love must be shown and not kept.
The love we are to show is tender love. Tender love must be shown and not kept. It is not waiting for the right moment or when needed that we show tender love. It involves how we treat our wives and how we talk to her. I have heard complaints about how some men would talk tenderly to other women folk but harshly to the one they are supposed to love. I have personally witness men who talk down to their wives and make the wives feel useless and lowly and I have been guilty of that before.
Loving our wives require us to change, our wives are not beneath us, like us they too are created in the image of God and precious in the sight of the Lord. Loving our wives involves a caring and nurturing love that will enable her to grow in the beauty before the Lord. Care enough to be patient and gentle in nurturing her spiritual growth.
In all of this let Jesus be the example to follow. Do you know what kind of headship is displayed by Christ? Servant leadership, brothers as head of our household we are called to serve our wives, it is not the other way round.
A relationship marked by love and respect (Eph 5:33)
Finally let us unpack the last verse: “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
This is the summary statement regards the role of husbands and wives. Sin has distorted the union between a man and a woman but in Christ we can once again redeem what was lost. When husband exhibits godly headship and love and wives display godly submission and respect, together as husbands and wives they manifest the reality of the Spirit filled lives.
Quoting from a commentary, “Marriage has been distorted by the fall; it can be liberated by the gospel. Oppressed women will find themselves loved with a sacrificial love and oppressive men will begin to exercise biblical headship which at its core is servant-hearted love.”
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, the call for the wife to submit to their husband and the call for the husband to live their wives is not an option for us to consider, it is what is expected us as we unite in the bonds Christian marriage.
When properly lived out we display the relationship between His Church and we magnify the glory of God for all to see. Friends this is not an option. We either do it well or we do it badly.
To all of us who are singles, I know the passage does not speak about singleness but let me offer a word to us. Marriage is instituted by God and when properly lived out it displays the shape of the gospel.
In our midst I believed we have godly husbands and godly wives who have been exemplary in their marriage. Look to these marriages and see how the love of Christ is rightly displayed and our submission to one another in Christ is rightly portrayed. From them we can catch a glimpse of how a relationship that is shaped by the gospel looks like and let that shaped our relationship with one another in the body of Christ.
But my friends who are single, we need you to live out your singleness in a godly manner that we can learn from you what it means to be sufficent in Christ.
Some of us are still hoping and waiting for God to provide us with a life partner, nor patient and look to the Bible and to the examples found in our body as you look for that special someone, do not let your standards by shaped by the world but let it be guided by the word of God.
To those of who have chosen to be single, celebrate your singleness as a gift from God, 1 Corinthians 7:7, celebrate the advantages you have as reader in 1 Corinthians 7. At the same time know that it can be hard and we must be self-disciplined and flee from sexual temptations.
Friend, your singleness is not permanent because one day we will be with our Lord Jesus for all eternity. It is therefore important to not ever think of our singleness as second best. Always remember that the Church is our family, we are one in Christ and let’s keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
A final word to the body of Christ.
In the coming Sundays, we will be looking at headship and the role of man and woman within the body of Christ. Foundational to our understanding of these truths is God’s very intentional order of Creation and we must let that shaped our fundamental approach to the text that we will be unpacking. Although the passage this morning is primarily focus on the relationship between husbands and wives but we must be mindful that undergirding this relationship is the relationship between Christ and His Church. This must inform of how we are to relate to one another as we learn to submit to one another.