Family Matters (Ephesians 6:1-4)
The mere mention of four letters is enough to fill parents and children in Singapore with worry and anxiety. The dreaded PSLE, or the Primary School Leaving Examinations, is an annual rite of passage for every 12-year-old. Two years ago, Channel News Asia surveyed the parents of Primary 5 and 6 pupils. Around 85 per cent of them said their children were stressed out about the PSLE. The majority of parents were also feeling the pressure, with 64 per cent saying they too were stressed. Claire and I have two teenage sons. I’m thankful the PSLE is past. But I realise this is just one pain point felt by many parents and children in Singapore. In our achievement-oriented culture, many struggle with the stress of growing up or of raising children. Parental burnout is on the rise. Families are stretched thin as the pursuits of the world pull us in all sorts of directions.
Amid all this, how should we live as God’s people in our families? Burdened by the pressures and pursuits of life, it is easy for us to lose sight of who we are in Christ. How we parent and how we relate to our parents can end up looking more like the culture than Christ. We think and do as the world does. This is Paul’s concern in Ephesians. As God’s redeemed people, we are to be distinct from the world. We are saved by grace, not works. But the grace that saves also transforms us to live new lives in Christ. Gospel doctrine leads to gospel living. In our text today, Paul applies the gospel to children and parents. Family matters. The way we relate to our parents and children bears witness to what God is doing in Christ. God’s purpose is to unite all things in his Son. Our marriages and families are meant to testify to the unity Christ has brought about.
Children and parents, walk in the Lord.
I am thankful for the different generations that make up Grace Baptist Church. Some of us have been parents and grandparents for decades; others are only a few months into parenthood. Some of us are adult children with elderly parents. Some of us are still young. Today, since it is the first Sunday of the month, the 11- and 12- year-olds are here as well. We may be in different seasons of life, but we are united in the one Lord and his word speaks to us all. This is the big idea of Ephesians 6:1-4: Children and parents, walk in the Lord.
Children, walk in the Lord (Eph 6:1-3)
Paul begins by speaking to the children. His exhortation flows from Ephesians 5:21, which calls believers to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. God has wisely established authority in various places. Hence, wives are to submit to their own husbands, and children are to obey their parents. See how Paul speaks to children in their own right. They are responsible for hearing and doing what God says in His word. Children, it is good and timely to have you in the service this morning. You are not too young to listen to the Lord. It is a blessing to be able to hear God’s word from a young age. I pray you will listen well. Talk with your parents after the service about what you have heard.
Children are commanded to obey. “Obey” has a stronger meaning than “to submit”. The way parents exercise their authority is different from how a husband exercises his. A husband should not command his wife; that would be insensitive, if not downright harsh and unkind. A parent, however, has the authority to issue imperatives and directives. For example: “Clean up your room. Do your homework. Go to bed.” This means God has entrusted parents with the authority to discipline and teach their children. Authority and love are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the Bible says authority and love should always go hand-in-hand. Children, on their part, are responsible for following their parents’ instructions.
While the word “children” can refer to sons and daughters of all ages, Paul probably has non-adult children or minors (kids and teens) primarily in mind here. Ephesians 6:4 says they are under the discipline and instruction of their parents. These children are still learning and growing up, but they are old enough to understand their responsibilities to the Lord and their parents. It’s likely that they are young believers seeking to follow Jesus.
Children, how should you obey your parents? It is in the Lord. Do so as a way of following the Lord Jesus. Obey Christ by obeying your parents. Recognise that the Lord has placed them in your life for your good. Proverbs 1:8-9 says, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.”
It is the Lord Jesus who enables us to obey by His grace, not by our own strength.
We also obey in Christ. It is the Lord Jesus who enables us to obey by His grace, not by our own strength. All of us were once foolish and disobedient. But Jesus laid down His life to save us from our sins, if we trust in Him. Jesus died for sinners, bearing God’s judgement as a sinless substitute, so that we can be saved through faith in Him. In Christ alone, our sins are forgiven. We are made right with God. Jesus rose from the dead to give us new life. United with Christ, we are also united with His body, the church. God’s Spirit fills us, helping us to know Jesus and to grow more like Him. This is the good news of what Jesus has done to save us through His life, death and resurrection. Children, have you believed the gospel? Do not assume it or take it for granted. Having Christian parents and being able to attend church from a young age are good things. But you have to believe in Jesus for yourself. Have you repented of your sins and trusted in Jesus to save you? Talk with your parents, me, or with another member of the church if you have questions. It is good to have questions, and we would be happy to hear you out.
What if our parents are non-Christians? We should still obey and honour them, as long as it is in line with following the Lord. He sets the limits of our obedience. We should not follow our parents if they lead us to sin. This takes wisdom and discernment. It is not always easy or straightforward. Some of us may have parents who object to our faith. They may be opposed to us attending church or getting baptised. While we should seek to honour our parents, our allegiance is first to our Lord Jesus Christ. He challenges us to count the cost of following Him, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. (Lk 14:26-27)” But take heart and trust Jesus’ promise to provide for us. He says in Mark 10: “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” Pray for wisdom to honour your parents while still being faithful to follow Jesus.
As we grow up, obedience increasingly takes the form of honour. Parents, we also exercise authority differently as our children grow up. We lend a listening ear and give counsel, rather than command. So, be quick to hear. Speak with love and wisdom. As adult children, we honour our parents by respecting them. Care for them with humility, kindness and gentleness. Walk in love towards our parents. Patiently bear with them. Speak the truth in love to them, that we might give grace to them with our words. Usually as we grow older, our parents’ faults and flaws become clearer to us. When we are tempted to harden our hearts against our parents, remember how our Heavenly Father has first loved us. Our earthly parents may have disappointed us, but our Heavenly Father never will. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Because He loves us to the end, we can love our parents by His grace. Hear what Paul says in Ephesians 5:1-2: “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
We honour our parents by taking care of them in their old age. It is said that love begins at home. Godliness also begins at home. Some of us know the challenges and struggles of being a caregiver to an elderly parent. It might seem like a thankless task. But be encouraged to press on. Your patient, persevering love for your parent pleases God. Speaking to children and grandchildren, Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:4: “Let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.”
Why should children obey their parents? I might tell my sons, “Because I said so.” But thankfully, God’s word gives us better reasons for obedience. These verses present two of them: Because it is right, and because of the reward. The end of Ephesians 6:1 says, “For this is right.” Obey our parents because it is the right thing to do. Family ties are gifts of God’s common grace to all, whether Christian or not. In different cultures around the world, obeying and honouring one’s parents are commonly regarded as the right things to do. Confucius, for example, understood filial piety to be a building block of a well-ordered society. For this reason, Paul can say in 1 Timothy 5 that if anyone does not care for his own family, that person has “denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” So, we uphold our gospel witness by obeying and honouring our parents. This is especially helpful for those of us whose parents are not believers. We assure them that being a Christian does not mean we love them any less.
But beyond common grace, obeying our parents is also right in God’s eyes. Paul quotes the fifth commandment (Ex 20:12; Deut 5:16) in Ephesians 6:2: Honour your father and mother. In Christ, we are under the new covenant. But being under grace does not mean we are lawless. In fact, the Spirit enables us to fulfil the law of Christ, which can be summed up by the commands to love God and to love one another. Therefore, the moral requirements of the old covenant law still apply to us. In fact, we have an even greater obligation to obey because God has written His law on our hearts. So, we obey and honour our parents not out of a legalistic sense of duty. We do so because our hearts have been changed by the gospel. We love Jesus and want to do what pleases Him. We walk in His footsteps. Even Jesus was submissive to His earthly parents. So, obey and honour our parents for it is right.
The second reason is because of the reward. Ephesians 6:2 goes on to say that the fifth commandment is the “first commandment with a promise”. Obey and honour our parents, that it may go well with (us). The principle is that our parents are the authority God has put over us, for our good. Paul has in mind spiritual blessings in Christ, not worldly prosperity. Thus, we will do well to listen to them and not rebel against them. The way of obedience and righteousness leads to life, but the way of rebellion and sin leads to death. Therefore, obey and honour our parents that (we) may live long in the land. In its Old Testament context, the land referred to the promised land. God saved Israel to be His holy people. The land was God’s gift to Israel, who was called to obey God as a response to His grace. Israel’s enjoyment of the blessing of the land depended on their obedience.
Similarly, God has saved us by His grace for good works. By walking in love and light, we show that we have come to know Jesus. Obeying and honouring our parents is a practical and tangible way of living out our new life in Christ. Since Christ has loved us, we will also love others, including our parents. Such love is a sign of eternal life. Therefore, we will live long in the land, which refers to the new heaven and new earth. In the new creation, we shall inherit the earth. So, persevere in obedience in the light of our eternal reward. Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Gal 6:9).
Parents, walk in the Lord (Eph 6:4)
Just as children are to live out their new life in Christ, so parents are also to walk in a way that is consistent with the gospel. Parents, we have been entrusted with a stewardship from God. So, use our parental authority to bless our children, especially for their spiritual good. While Ephesians 6:4 applies to both parents, it is specifically aimed at fathers. It’s not because mothers are unimportant. Rather, Paul recognises that fathers have a particular responsibility as heads of their families. Fathers, we are responsible for the discipline and instruction of our children. Do not outsource our responsibility, or leave our wives to pick up the slack. Brothers, whether we are aware of it or not, we set the spiritual temperature of our family. How is the Lord calling us to step up in the home?
God has entrusted fathers with a weighty responsibility.
God has entrusted fathers with a weighty responsibility. Our job goes beyond earning a living and putting food on the table. More importantly, we are to provide spiritually for our families. Ministry is not limited to our service at church, but it must begin in our homes. Sadly, some have served the church at the expense of their family’s wellbeing. It should not be so. For this reason, one of the qualifications for an elder is that he cares well for his family and disciples his children. If a man does not pastor His own family, how can He be trusted to shepherd God’s flock?
Paul’s exhortation to fathers begins with a “do not”, followed by a “do”. What he says to fathers also applies to all parents in general. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. In Ephesians 4:30, Paul urged us to put away “all bitterness and wrath and anger”. Do not get angry and sin, and do not provoke others to sin with their anger either. The authority of fathers can be misused. How might we do this? Abusive or absent fathers often produce angry children. Such children then risk continuing the cycle with their own families when they grow up. Besides abuse and absence, other things can also cause resentment to build up in our children. I asked my sons what might provoke them.
Harsh, unjust treatment, they said. For example, they will be provoked to anger if I wrongly accused them, or if discipline is excessive. Related to this, fault-finding will also dishearten them. Parents, are we constantly nagging our children or complaining about them? How might we need to repent of a critical, judgemental attitude towards them? As those who have received grace from God, let us also show grace to our children. May God help us to turn away from any self-righteousness.
Unreasonable demands also provoke our children to anger. They may feel crushed under the burden of our expectations. Are our children discouraged because they fail to meet the goals or standards we set for them? Do they feel pressured or exasperated by us?
Parents, our bad-temperedness, impatience and frustration will provoke our children. If we constantly bark orders at them or yell at them, they will be disheartened. Children will be discouraged if they keep bearing the brunt of their parents’ sinful anger. How do we use our words? Do we put our children down with cutting and caustic comments, or condemnation? Do we humiliate our children with sarcastic remarks? Remember Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Neglecting our children will also provoke them to anger. Take warning from Old Testament examples like Eli the priest, who failed to instruct his wayward sons. Or, David, whose failure to pay attention to his son Absalom led him to rebel against His father. Children are also provoked to anger if their parents are inconsistent and unreliable. Let us strive to be faithful to our children. Otherwise, they might grow to distrust us, if we keep going back on our word or breaking our promises.
Parents, may God help us not to sin against our children in such ways. And, if we do sin (and we will), let’s be humble and repent. Do not be too proud to seek forgiveness from our children. Some of the sweetest times I have known as a parent is when I have acknowledged my faults and flaws to my sons. It is both humbling and heartening to receive forgiveness and grace from them. My failings as a father are God’s opportunity to let the light of the gospel shine into my family’s life.
So, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Instead, do bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Fathers, we are responsible for bringing up our children in two key ways: by disciplining them and by instructing them. The word translated “bring them up” is “nourish”. It’s the same word used in Ephesians 5:29: “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” Parents, raise our children in the way Jesus loves and cares for His church. The goals we have for our children should also be aligned to the Lord’s will for us. As we saw from Ephesians 5, Jesus’ will is to sanctify the church, so that He might present us to Himself as His beautiful Bride, holy and without blemish. In line with this, our goal for our children should be for them to know Jesus and be holy in Him.
Fathers, be like a greenhouse for your children. Greenhouses protect and provide. They protect the plants inside from harsh weather. They also provide a good environment for the plants to grow. A greenhouse pictures the kind of authority a father is to exercise over his children. Godly authority blesses those under it. In 2 Samuel 23, King David beautifully describes such authority: “He dawns on them like the morning light, like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning, like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth.” Therefore, fathers are to exercise their authority in a loving way, for the good of others. So, guard and grow your children, with the goal of encouraging them towards Christ. We do not always use the word “nurture” to describe the role of fathers, but that is exactly what God is calling us to do for the children whom He has entrusted to us.
Parents, testify to how our Heavenly Father loves us. In a world where authority is often abused or absent, God’s people are to present a very different picture of authority. Parents, we have the privilege of bearing witness to God’s goodness. When we use our authority well to bless our children, we reflect God’s character. Listen to Psalm 103:13: “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.”
Just as Jesus nourishes the church with the word of the gospel, so parents are to grow their children in God’s truth. Since they are heads of their households, fathers, in particular, are responsible for bringing children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. To “discipline” means to teach and train. To “instruct” means to exhort, rebuke and correct. Therefore, disciple our children with God’s word, which is useful for teaching, reproof, correction, and for training in righteousness. Set aside time to regularly read the Bible with your children. Parents, equip ourselves with God’s truth, so that we can speak it faithfully to our children. Learn from other godly parents. Get plugged into the church community, so that other members can also help disciple our children. Attend the “Discipling Youth” class at next Saturday’s training day.
Discipline and instruction are “of the Lord”—according to God’s wisdom and ways, not our own wisdom or the ways of the world. What our children need most from us is not lessons on how to be successful in the world, but discipling that helps them to learn Christ. Exams and careers are not the most important things. Parents, have we made an idol of our children’s success? Are our priorities for our children in line with the Lord’s priorities for them?
If we are to be faithful parents, then we ourselves must be faithful followers of Jesus. To encourage our children to follow Jesus, we can do more than simply tell them. We can model it for our children. May our children follow us as we follow Christ. Model for them a life of ongoing repentance from sin and faith in Christ. Model for them a life where we are willing to count all things as loss because Christ is so much better. Model for them a life of faith and hope, of patient endurance and joy in trials. Model for them a life of love, centred on building up our brothers and sisters in the local church. Model for them a life of gospel ambition, that strives to grow the gospel locally and globally.
What if we do not have children? We can apply these verses to how we care for the children in our spiritual family in this local church. As Paul was a spiritual father to Timothy, may God grant us the joy of being a spiritual parent to a younger person. Consider serving in the children’s or youth ministries. It takes a whole church to raise a Christian.
What if we have been faithful but our children are not believers? This can be difficult and discouraging. Beloved, continue to trust the Lord with our children. He is gracious and merciful to save. In the meantime, continue to speak the truth in love, assured that the Lord can give the growth.
Indeed, we have to rely on the Lord. Raising children is tough. When we are trying to sooth a crying infant to sleep, the nights can seem so long. But our children grow up so fast. Parents, the time we have to disciple our children passes quickly. May God help us make the best use of the time, to grab every opportunity we have to do spiritual good to our children. May the Lord give us grace to press on in faithfulness.