The Mystery of Marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33)
“It’s not about you.” This is one of the first things I say when I meet with a couple preparing for marriage. I speak not as an “expert”, but as a fellow pilgrim. It is not as if I’ve figured it all out. I have been a husband for almost 22 years. My wife, Claire, and I were wed in 2004. I am still learning not to make my marriage about myself. The tendency to be self-absorbed, self-centred and selfish is still there in my heart. My wife can tell you of the times she has had to lovingly remind me, “It’s not about you.”
Marriage is that most intimate of human relationships. Because it is so personal and close to our hearts, it is tempting to make marriage about “me” —about meeting my needs, fulfilling my dreams, and satisfying my desires. We enter into a relationship because of how the other person makes us feel, and because of what the other person can do for us. It is not necessarily wrong to have such expectations; they are natural and normal. But we should honestly ask ourselves, “What if the other person falls short of my expectations? What then?”
So far in Ephesians, we have heard about how gospel doctrine produces gospel living. That is the main point of the second half of the letter. In chapters 4-6, Paul applies the gospel to our lives. The key command is to walk in the gospel, as those who have been saved by the gospel. So, live in unity as one church. Speak the truth in love to build one another up, so that the whole body of Christ grows. Be holy, for we are holy in the Lord. Walk in love. Walk in the light.
Watch out how we walk. As we heard last week, this means being Spirit-filled. The Spirit fills us with the fullness of Christ, so that we know Him and become more like Him. The Spirit’s work in us will be seen in our relationships — in marriage, in the family, and at work. Our passage focuses on how the gospel transforms marriage. These 12 verses represent the longest statement in the New Testament concerning marriage. Wives and husbands are to live out their new life in Christ together. This is where the rubber meets the road. The gospel is real truth for real life.
Marriage reveals the mystery of Christ and the church.
I open every wedding service I conduct with these words: “The union of a man and a woman is a wonderful gift from God. But as good as marriage is, it is not ultimate. The love that we witness between the bride and groom is a signpost that points us to an even greater and more profound love.” God designed marriage to be about something bigger than just two people. This is the big idea of our passage: Marriage reveals the mystery of Christ and the church. Therefore, wives and husbands are to live in such a way as to point to the glorious union between the Lord and His people. How do we do so in our marriages? These verses give specific instructions for wives and husbands, before presenting a profound truth about marriage. We will unpack this in three points: (1) Wives: submit to your husband; (2) Husbands: love your wife; (3) Know the meaning of marriage.
But first, a word of caution. Some of us may come to a passage like this and think, “My spouse really needs to hear this. He (or she) is the one who needs fixing.” And, we may well be right, since all of us do need to be changed by God’s word. But let us commit to first listen to these verses for ourselves. Do not be too quick to point the finger and think this is only meant for someone else. Let us not hit our spouse over the head with these verses. Instead, listen humbly for ourselves. Ask, “What is God’s word saying to me, as a husband or as a wife, or as someone who desires to be married?” How is God calling each of us to walk in the gospel?
A word also to those who are unmarried. Do not tune out. If you desire to be married, then one of the best ways you can prepare for marriage is to hear what God says about wives and husbands. Ask him to help you grow in these qualities even now. Do not wait till you are married. What is more, think about a married friend you can encourage with God’s word. These verses equip you to speak the truth in love.
Wives: submit to your husband (Eph 5:22-24)
In this passage and the ones to follow, those who are under authority are addressed first — wives, children, and bondservants, followed by those in positions of authority — husbands, fathers, and masters. Ephesians 5:22 continues from Ephesians 5:21, where Paul encourages us to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. To be Spirit-filled means to submit to the authority God has ordered in various settings: in marriage, in the family, and in the workplace. So, out of reverence for Christ, wives are to submit to your own husbands. Not to all husbands or to men in general, but to their own husbands. A wife’s submission is specific to her marriage.
In our day, submission is unpopular because it’s seen as weakness. Some find the Bible’s call for wives to submit offensive, claiming it oppresses women by keeping them under the thumb of men. To critics and sceptics, this is proof that the Bible is misogynistic and outdated. But let us not be too quick to write off these verses before giving them a fair hearing. Biblical submission does not mean weakness or inferiority. After all, Jesus — who is fully God — willingly submitted to his Heavenly Father. He “did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped” (Phil 2:6). He came as a servant, humbly obeying the Father even to death on a cross.
Husband and wife are one in Christ, fellow heirs of the grace of life.
Similarly, a wife is to submit willingly, not under compulsion. These verses do not give a husband the right to demand submission from His wife. They must not be twisted to justify a husband’s ill-treatment of his wife. To submit does not mean to be a doormat and suffer in silence. Submission is not subservience. A wife is equal, not inferior to her husband. Paul speaks to wives in their own right, as equal partners in the marriage. Husband and wife are one in Christ, fellow heirs of the grace of life. They have equal worth but different roles.
What does it mean to submit? In Ephesians 5:33, Paul exhorts wives to respect their husbands. To submit is to honour her husband, not in a grudging way but with love and affection. It means to encourage and support her husband, as He fulfils His God-given role in marriage and family. In Genesis 2, God created the woman to be a helper fit for the man. She comes alongside to complement him. As the old Christian writer Matthew Henry said: “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” It is not good for man to be alone, for he cannot fulfil his God-given responsibilities. The woman is God’s gift to man, so that husband and wife serve God together. God sets the agenda, not us. So, wives, submit to your own husbands to help them follow Jesus. You are partners on the same team, not rivals.
The earlier parts of Ephesians show us what submission looks like. It means being humble, gentle and patient. It involves the wife speaking the truth in love to her husband, so that he is built up in the faith and becomes more like Jesus. To submit means to give grace with our words. I am grateful for how Claire lovingly points out my faults and flaws, not to tear down but to build up. By helping me see my need for Jesus, she encourages me to grow in grace. A godly wife helps her husband be wise. Proverbs 31:10-11 says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm all the days of her life.”
What if your husband is not a Christian? While these verses in Ephesians are written for believers, a wife is also to submit to her unbelieving husband, as long as he is not calling her to sin. It says in 1 Peter 3:1-2: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” A wife’s submission can point a non-Christian husband to Christ. Remember the godly example of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25, who saved her husband from David’s wrath.
He has saved you for this good work. So, submit by faith in Christ, who cares for you.
To submit means a wife should not undermine her husband with harsh words or grumbling. So, turn away from a critical, discontented spirit. Put away all bitterness, anger and slander. Be kind and forgive, as God has forgiven us in Christ. Walk in love and walk in the light. Wives, your submission is as to the Lord (Eph 5:22). Speaking as a husband, I can safely say that none of us is perfectly deserving of submission. But wives, you can submit not because your husband is perfect, but because Jesus is trustworthy. Submit to your husband as a way of following Jesus. He has saved you for this good work. So, submit by faith in Christ, who cares for you.
Submitting as to the Lord also means a wife must not follow her husband into sin. Neither is she to passively allow her husband to persist in unrepentant sin. Out of love for the Lord and for her husband, a wife is to seek his spiritual good by graciously calling him out. Wives, there will be times when you are called to humbly but firmly stand with Christ against your husband’s sin. The command to “submit in everything” in Ephesians 5:24 does not give the husband a blank cheque to insist his wife does whatever he wants. Rather, to submit in everything means a wife follows her husband in all aspects of life as they follow Jesus together. She does not selfishly or rebelliously tell him to keep out of certain areas of her life. For those among us who desire to be married, consider these questions in your choice of a life partner. Sisters: Are you able to follow him as he follows Jesus? Brothers: Is she willing to follow you as you follow Jesus?
Why should a wife submit? Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife.” It is because God has ordered the marriage relationship in this way. He has placed the husband in a role of authority over his wife. But this authority is not oppressive or domineering. Rather, it is patterned after Christ’s headship. It is even as Christ is the head of church. Jesus loves the church because she is one with Him; the church is His body. Jesus is the church’s Saviour. He laid down His life to save His people from sin. Therefore, a wife is to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. Look at Ephesians 5:24. By submitting to her husband, a wife bears witness to the relationship between Christ and the church. Wives, show the gospel by demonstrating what following Jesus looks like. When you submit to your husband, you are saying that Jesus is worthy of our trust and obedience. So, exalt Christ by submitting to your husband with gladness and gratitude.
This is hard. You may be married to a difficult man. To submit goes against the grain of our desire to put ourselves first. Biblical submission is not natural but supernatural. We need God’s help. So, draw near to him. He gives us grace to live a new life.
Christ has authority over us. He is the head of the church. Whether you are a wife, a husband or unmarried, we all have one Lord and Saviour. Church, how are we submitting to Christ? Do we trust and obey Him? How are we committed to hearing and doing His word? Are we submitting to Jesus in everything, or are we holding back things from Him?
Husbands: love your wife (Eph 5:25-30)
In Ephesians 5:25-30, Paul addresses husbands. His instructions are at least twice as long as that for wives. Perhaps husbands tend to be slower to get it, so we need to hear it more. The longer exhortation emphasises the weighty responsibility husbands bear as the head. Following the exhortation to wives to submit, one might have expected husbands to be instructed to rule. But that isn’t what Paul says. Look at Ephesians 5:25 — Husbands, love your wives. The role of a Christian husband is distinctly counter-cultural. In those times, husbands were rarely exhorted to love their wives.
Christ’s relationship with the church is the pattern for how a husband is to love His wife.
Christ’s relationship with the church is the pattern for how a husband is to love His wife. Husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus defines love. As 1 John 3:16 says, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us.” Love our wives and make it a blessing for them to follow us. Instead of demanding submission from our wives, we ought to humbly, honestly ask ourselves: What can I do to make my wife’s calling to submit a joy for her and not a burden?
Authority is often abused in the world. Many distrust authority. Marriages are broken because husbands misuse their position to mistreat their wives. May it not be so for us! Scripture speaks against any form of chauvinism, misogyny, abuse, or oppression. Brothers, God has saved us and given us new life in Christ. So, live a new life of love and light. Husbands, God calls us to reflect the good and gracious authority of Christ. Be loving, not domineering. Use our headship to bless. Seek our wife’s entire wellbeing—physical, emotional, social, and spiritual. Just as Christ used His authority to serve, so we are to love and serve our wives for their joy in the Lord.
Husbands, Jesus’ love for the church is the model for how we ought to love our wives. What does Christ-like love look like? In the next few verses, Paul highlights three aspects of Christ’s love for us. It is self-sacrificing, sanctifying, and unifying.
Husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ has loved us. Firstly, love our wives with self-sacrificing love. Christ died for us while we were still sinners. We were rebels and enemies. We were not lovely, but dead in our sins and far from God. Yet Jesus died to bring us back to God. In love, He bore God’s wrath in our place, so that we can be forgiven and made right with God. Jesus defeated sin and death. He rose from the dead to give us new life, if we trust in Him. To love like Jesus, we must first be loved by Him. If Jesus is to be our example, He must first be our Lord and Saviour. Do we know the love of Christ? Have we repented of our sins and believed in Him?
Husbands, we are called to die to self for the sake of our wives. Give up our comfort and convenience. Repent of our pride, selfishness and passivity. We may be tired after work, but help with the chores or the children. Forgo our opinions, preferences and hobbies for our wife’s sake. Give ourselves to love and serve our wife. Take the initiative to know and understand her. Be attentive. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. Prioritise our wife’s wellbeing. Do what she enjoys. Self-sacrificially seek her good.
Second, love our wives with sanctifying love. Jesus loves the church for a holy purpose. Look at Ephesians 5:26-27: “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Jesus’ goal is our holiness. This is the Lord’s will for us — that we be holy as He is holy. In biblical times, it was customary for women to take a bridal bath before the wedding. Jesus has made us clean by the washing of water and the word. This refers to the word of the gospel and the washing of baptism, which symbolises the start of our new life in Christ. We are clean because we have heard the truth about Jesus and believed in him. Jesus will finish the work He began in us. He is sanctifying us for the big day. When Jesus returns, we will be perfectly holy. The church will share in Christ’s glory, as his beautiful and radiant Bride.
Husbands, we are to prepare our wives for that day. Our momentary marriages are the means of our sanctification, until the ultimate marriage. Husbands, we serve Christ by helping our wives to grow in holiness. Encourage them to cultivate the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious (1 Pet 3:4). Adorn our wives with the beauty of Christ. Husbands, if we are to do so, then we ourselves must follow hard after Jesus. How are we growing in Christ? To my brothers who are unmarried and who desire marriage, prepare yourselves by pursuing holiness and by encouraging others in the faith.
Husbands, do spiritual good to your wife. Pray for and promote her sanctification. Wash her with the word by speaking God’s truth in love to her. Read Scripture together. Pray for her and with her. Centre your marriage around the local church. Paul’s instructions about marriage in Ephesians 5 are meant to be lived out in the context of the church described in Ephesians 4. So, join a church together and become members of a Christian community. Encourage our wives to build spiritual friendships. Afford them time and opportunity to meet with other sisters-in-Christ, who can spur them on in the faith.
Third, love our wives with unifying love. Listen to Ephesians 5:28 — In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. At first glance, this verse seems self-serving. After the noble heights of self-sacrificing and sanctifying love, has self-centred pragmatism brought us back to earth with a bump? Is Paul going backwards by mentioning self-love? While it is true that husbands also benefit when their wives are thriving, I do not think that is Paul’s point here. He is speaking of the deeper significance of marriage.
Biblical marriage is not just a useful social arrangement where two persons agree to live together as long as it suits them. It’s much more than that. Biblical marriage is a covenant, entered into for life in the sight of God. Two become one physically, emotionally, spiritually and practically. What God has joined together, let us not separate. Therefore, because they are united in marriage, husbands are to regard their wives as their own bodies, as one with them. In this light, it makes perfect sense for husbands to love their wives. After all, they are one flesh. As Ephesians 5:29 says, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”
So husbands, love your wives with a unifying love that recognises how they are one with you. Be faithful to them. Zealously protect your marriage union; guard it from anything that threatens to tear it apart. Nourish your wives by strengthening them physically, emotionally, spiritually. Provide for them practically. Encourage your wife to grow as a godly woman. Since she is one with you, her good is your good. Do not be jealous or envious of her. Husbands, take to heart John Stott’s helpful comments on these verses: “A husband should never use his headship to crush or stifle his wife, or frustrate her from being herself. His love for her will lead him to an exactly opposite path. He will give himself for her, in order that she may develop her full potential under God and so become more completely herself.” So, treasure your wives. Do not take them for granted. Give thanks for them. Do not be harsh with them, but love them with tenderness and patience.
Through the church, Jesus is fulfilling God’s plan to unite all things.
Husbands, regard your wives as one with you, just as Christ regards us as one with Him. Look at Ephesians 5:30. Jesus nourishes and cherishes the church because we are members of his body. Not only has Christ made us holy, but He has also made us one in Himself. We have been united to Christ by faith. He is our Head. From Him, the whole body is nourished and grows. Through the church, Jesus is fulfilling God’s plan to unite all things. Our marriages as God’s people are to reflect the unity that Christ has won through his death and resurrection. Husbands, what a privilege we have of testifying to this when we love our wives with a unifying love!
Know the meaning of marriage (Eph 5:31-33)
Our marriages matter for God’s glory. He means for our marriages to reveal the mystery of Christ and the church.
For our marriages to thrive, we must know what God meant for marriage to be. “It’s not about me. It’s not just about us.” Marriage is about something bigger than a man and a woman becoming one. Amid the rough and tumble of our daily lives, it is easy to lose sight of the larger significance of marriage. Our challenges and struggles can overshadow the truth of God’s will for marriage. When we submit to our husbands and when we love our wives, we point to a greater, more lasting union. Our marriages matter for God’s glory. He means for our marriages to reveal the mystery of Christ and the church.
God instituted marriage from the beginning of creation. In Ephesians 5:31, Paul quotes from Genesis 2:24, which describes how God brought the first man and the first woman together. As the Bible’s story unfolds across the Old Testament, we hear God describe His relationship with His people as a marriage. For example, Isaiah 62:5 says, “As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.” In the New Testament, Jesus refers to himself as the bridegroom. Significantly, His first recorded sign in John’s Gospel is at a wedding. By turning water into wine, Jesus shows He is the promised Bridegroom come to save His Bride from the curse of sin and death. When Jesus returns, there will be a great wedding celebration between Him and his Bride, the church. In Revelation 21, John sees a glorious vision of God’s people, holy and pure, “prepared as a bride adorned for her husband”.
I recently watched the musical Les Misérables. The story is tragic, but it has a happy ending when Cosette marries Marius. It’s striking how so many stories conclude with a wedding and the couple “living happily ever after”. The inspiration comes from the Bible’s storyline, which begins and ends with a wedding. The first Adam’s wedding points to the greater wedding of Christ, the true and better Adam. Jesus will have His bride, for whom He died. God will dwell with His people happily ever after in the new creation. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Sin, sorrow, suffering, and death will be no more. This marriage will never end.
This is the ultimate marriage we long for. In the beginning, when God established marriage in Genesis, He intended for our earthly marriages to point to the union between Christ and the church. Hence, Paul says in Ephesians 5:32: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” The meaning of marriage, once hidden, has now been revealed with the coming of Christ. Our earthly marriages are temporary signposts that foreshadow the eternal union. One day, the substance will supersede the shadow. Whether we are married or unmarried, we shall be fully and forever one with our Bridegroom, Jesus Christ, in the new heavens and new earth.
So, do not lose heart. This is the great hope we have in Christ. Therefore, beloved, let us live out our earthly marriages in the light of this hope. God means for our marriages to reveal the glories of Christ and His Bride, the church. How? It is by putting Ephesians 5:33 into practice: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” The seemingly mundane moments of our marriages are actually extraordinary, for they tell of the ultimate love story. And, we can be sure that this story will have a wonderful ending. The Bridegroom and Bride will be wed and live happily ever after. Christ is the meaning of the mystery of marriage. And one day, we shall see our beloved Bridegroom’s face.
The bride eyes not her garments
But her dear Bridegroom's face
I will not gaze at glory
But on my King of grace
Not at the crown He giveth
But on His pierced hand
The Lamb is all the glory
In Immanuel's land