Men and Women in the Family
As a church, we have been learning about God’s design for men and women in our current sermon series. Pastor Eugene started the series by taking us to the beginning, in Genesis 1-3, to see that God made men and women equal and different. Pastor Andrew then took us through Ephesians 5:22-33 to see how a Spirit-filled marriage displays the relationship between Christ and His Church.
Here, we interview Jonathan and Eng Meng, who are married to each other and longtime members of GBC. They share about how they seek to live as men and women, husband and wife and how God has been growing them through their marriage. They also share about how they are involved in the lives of others through pre-marital counselling.
1. The distinct roles of men and women is clearly spoken of in Scripture in the institution of marriage. How have you have sought to obey it in your lives – as husband and wife, and also as a father and mother?
The Lordship of Christ, obedience to His Word, walking in the Spirit, and a commitment to His Great Commandment or Commission calling for our lives are the fundamentals preceding the living out of our roles as men and women, husband and wife, father and mother. Once that is settled, understanding and living out the complementary roles of men and women as exemplified in Scriptures becomes a part of our spiritual growth process in practice and witness.
Jonathan: Such an understanding provides the “guard rails” (or “bulwark,” Ps 48:13, KJV) in how we lead, love, and minister. When we seek to apply the complementary roles – for me as a husband and father – I found it much easier to “roll-out” the roles of children in following and obeying the heavenly Father as illustrated through an earthly one. In the words of Paul, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor 11:1). This pushes me to my knees because I feel so inadequate. In seeking to love my wife, I realised that I too need to love myself in a way that glorifies Him: “Love others as much as you love yourself” (Matt 22:39, CEV).
Eng Meng: For me, in our relationship, seeing a willingness to say, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me for…” reflects a heart that is anchored in the gospel of grace and in humility. It just melts my heart (maybe not at the point of hurt) because I see a man, God’s shepherd leader, who acts in submission to the ultimate authority, which is Christ Himself who loves the Church sacrificially.
2. How have you been growing in your understanding of these roles over the years?
We understand the roles found in Scriptures are to be lived out in varied contexts. There is a maturing process in understanding and applying it in our lives and ministry. Allow me (Jonathan), to share a ministry experience when we were ministering in a creative access country a number of years ago.
We were involved in a church mobilisation/planting ministry where we equipped pastors, evangelists, and church planters as teachers of God’s Word in their churches and community. We trained male pastors for local churches which included sessions on roles of men and women in church. This included practical steps of husbands calling up their wives as part of the training and expressing his love for her over the phone (a first for many!). When we could meet some of these couples (pastor and wife), invariably the wife would say how the training had largely changed their marriage for the better. The husband now applied the role of spiritual leadership in the family and demonstrated loving headship over the wife. These pastors apply such biblical principles in the church leadership too.
When we finally left that ministry, we were humbled by God’s work of multiplying such churches, changing the hearts of the pastors with many marriages transformed for His glory. Praise be to God!
3. What have you found challenging about these roles? What have also been some joys?
The greatest joy is to see us growing spiritually as He graciously helps us in our weaknesses even as we seek to be the spiritual man/husband and woman/wife to each other.
Eng Meng: A joy this side of heaven is seeing our children acknowledging that our family is “different” in how we treat each other because of our faith in Christ through the gospel. A lifelong challenge is the courage and determination in the gospel to continually pursue the heart even when the hands (actions) are wrong. This is especially true as a couple. Sometimes we expect the other person to know what we want them to do or to say. But when they don’t the hurt can be deep. Yet, we do not give up and in the power of the Spirit continue to pursue the heart of the person while addressing the issue at hand.
Jonathan: A joy is to see how my dear wife humbly helps me in my weaknesses with much patience and without grumbling. Her strengths in scheduling, simplifying complexity, and financial management have been a tremendous help in our lives. While we recognise the headship in our relationship, we consult each other frequently tapping on each other’s complementary strengths especially in major decisions. In Genesis 1:26-28, God gave humankind the cultural mandate to rule and care over the world – both men and women are given the same command. A challenge is how not to allow aspects of the worldly culture to infiltrate our hearts such that we are unaware of their insidious influence in how we act, relate and make decisions.
God as the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit demonstrate the complementary qualities in their triune community. For instance, love, submission and unity are exemplified in how the persons of God relate to one another (John 5:19, 17:21, 24). These are the traits that men and women, husband and wife, are to demonstrate to one another. Each person of the Trinity is fully God and yet submit to one another in joyful and loving submission. God the Father lovingly and sacrificially send His Son to redeem the world that they have originally co-created together (Isa 59:20; Gen 1). The Son heralds the Holy Spirit who then convicts the elect to a saving knowledge of Christ as the Saviour-Redeemer (John 16:7-8). We experience Him afresh when I receive or act in such a way that love, submission, and unity are affirmed in our relationships.
4. As a couple, you are also involved in pre-marital counselling (PMC) for couples in church. What led you to serve in this way?
Our first pre-marital counselling was for a couple who approached us directly on this matter (this was years back). We have known the groom-to-be and his parents well as church members. The couple thus approached us as part of their preparations for marriage and wedding at GBC. At that time, we were already praying for a common ministry that we can serve together as we had our own separate areas of service in church then. The Lord reminded us of our own experiences being mentored by older married couples in our journey from dating to marriage. We took it as the Lord’s leading for us to minister as He provided such opportunities. As we did so, God has blessed our own marriage as He helped us to grow even as He showed us how to counsel others.
5. Could you also share a bit about what goes on in PMC?
The main goal of pre-marital counselling (PMC) is simply to help prepare couples for a Christian marriage in their spiritual, emotional, relational, and practical areas of life. We do it as a couple to another couple sharing, learning and growing together. We now use a curriculum based on a book that GBC recommends for PMC and this is done over several months, typically 9-12 months depending somewhat on the marriage timeline and scheduling. While we really like the gospel-based approach in the book, what added richness, relevance, and depth is the mutuality and accountability of ministry to one another. We praise God for each couple that has helped us all grow to love God and each other more.
6. Why is it so important for men and women in marriages and in families to also be a part of the church – to help and be helped in this way?
Like any relationships of significance, the cultivation and sustenance of such relationships occur best in the context of community. Again, the community of triune God provides the ultimate basis and model for couples, marriages, and families to grow and thrive. The local church as the body of Christ has the spiritual resources, relational contexts, and intergenerational diversity to model and strengthen the family units and its members. After all, the various spiritual gifts rendered by the Holy Spirit to members of the church is to the building up of that body (Eph 4:11-13). It is also important for the family units to be plugged into that gathering of God’s people exemplified through relationships of accountability, mutuality, and spirituality. Small groups (e.g. care groups) which foster deeper discipleship and allow for intergenerational exchanges provide modelling, encouragement, and one-another ministry across varied seasons of life (1 Tim 3; Titus 2). We are grateful for our local faith community which has helped us grow and given us opportunities to help others grow too as God provides the means.
Jonathan: I remember years ago, when I confided in the brothers during Eng Meng’s first pregnancy. I shared how I felt greatly unprepared to be a father of a son even after reading all the relevant materials. Among those brothers present were those who had young children and also newly marrieds without children. Those who had kids assured me of the Heavenly Father’s empowerment when He called us to be His under-shepherds as earthly fathers. Those yet to have children affirmed their support of me through their prayers. Their gospel sharing, encouragements, and prayers have stood with me over the years that now we have three young adult children. Such is the power of a community of faith. Amen.